well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Alive.
So much puke
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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