Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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