She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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