I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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