after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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