Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
