Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize