she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
