Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
