I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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