It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
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