I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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