i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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