I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
