Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
