i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
