I wanna bring you to show and tell
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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