she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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