Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
