Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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