I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
