mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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