The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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