I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
