Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
