i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
