i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Someone came in the potted fern
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
