yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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