I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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