when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
