i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
