new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
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