The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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