I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize