While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
