I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
A bitchslap is in order.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
