is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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