your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
