He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
