Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
