shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
