look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
this hospital has no fireball
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
