I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
