You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
