I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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