you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
