my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also, beer. Big fan.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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