Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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