I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
