Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
