just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You should frame my arrest warrant.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
