Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
