Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
