I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
