my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
You smell like stripper and shame
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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