I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
