so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
